Superman Returns (2006) IMDB Link1) Everyone knows Superman, the way everyone knows Michael Jackson. He is one of those pop icons, that are everywhere. But unlike Michael Jackson, Superman is not awesome. What is so attractive about a character that is Godlike powerful? In the course of the movie, Superman could fly through space, have laser eyes, have frost breath, could lift continents, his eyeballs could resist bullets, have X-ray vision, and basically be annoying. I mean, you can just imagine what a dick Superman could be in Superhero gatherings. If Cyclops says, “I shoot lasers out of my eyes”, Superman can go, “Yeah, well I can do that AND see your panties”. If the Hulk goes, “AARGHH!! HULK SMASH”, then Superman can say, “Yeah, well I can Hulk Smash and cool my beer using my breath.” What an ass.
2) While Lex Luthor had some fun scenes, he really was, so far, the crappiest villain in the recent numbers of Superhero movies, that is, in terms of his evilness. What is Lex’s great evil plan? Real estate. Ooh, I am going to build new land, so that the world will have to buy my land at high costs! Brilliant Lex!
Except that Dubai is ahead of you by already building new land in the water. And plus, Dubai has gone the extra step of making the new land look interesting, like in the shape of the planet or a palm tree. The best Lex can do is make fucking jagged rocks. Sure would be difficult to build a shopping mall there.
Plus, what did Lex think the rest of the world would do? Just watch? They’d fire so many fucking nukes at stupid Lex, that he’d wish he had gone in another line of business. Alien technology indeed.
3) Also, speaking of Lex Luthor, what an unthreatening master villain. Basically, his group was a couple of random thugs, including Kumar who doesn’t even get a line! Poor Kumar.
4) And continuing on Lex. A superhero movie is about Good Vs Evil, a conflict of two different powers. How was the conflict? Well, for the majority of the movie, Superman doesn’t even realize that Lex is even in the picture. He meets him ONCE. That’s it. That is basically all the conflict you get.
5) Bah! A superhero movie needs to create some kind of tension. I want to know that the people MIGHT be in danger. No one dies, Superman is more Jesus than Jesus himself. He is everywhere. Apparently, nothing is too little for Superman, as he even helps store robberies (of which, I wonder, was more important than the other crucial troubles in the world?)
6) And yeah, back to tension. Superman is never in trouble. Yeah, except that one time, because of Kryptonite, but even that is not that scary, because everyone kind of forgets that it is actually threatening. Plus, it is a green rock. Here, I will mention three things, and see which one is least scary. (A) Bombs (B) Big monsters (C) Shiny, green rock. Yeah, I agree.
7) What is more funny than Superman being wheeled in the hospital? Where is George Clooney when you need him?
8) What is more depressing than the poor fiancé of Loise Lane, who is basically being a nice guy, while Superman and Loise Lane make out. It is not like it is fair competition. I mean, Superman can take the girl out and fly her around in the sky, over the city, and then down near the ocean, where her fingers touch the water. While, Richard, I guess, can take her to Chillis.
9) Does the next Superman contain Superdog (pleasepleaseplease)?
10) Also, am I the only one who thought Superman looked like he was wearing a body suit?
11) Just because a movie wants to pay homage to its predecessor should not mean he has to Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V it. The beginning credits had beautiful CGI, and was a wonderful look swirl through the universe. But guess what? The credit fonts belongs in 1978. The reason it was like that in 1978 was because they couldn’t do better. We can, so do better. And the music, I know it brings boners to people who like the first one, does not match the great background visuals.
12) Superman DOES look gay.
I had to watch it because the movie was hyped everywhere. 200 million dollars. Do you know how many starving Africans can survive with that money? 100 million Africans, and you’d have 50 million to left to make a great movie.
2/5
