For those of you that don't know, Mick Garriss gathered a bunch of seasoned horror directors, and gave them complete freedom to their creativity, with the intentions of making 13 DVD episodes. Showtime bought the rights to them, and showed 12 of them. The 13th one, Imprint by Takashi Miike, was not shown by Showtime, claiming it was too extreme. I believe it might just be a PR stunt to make people buy the DVDs.
The other 12 were hit and miss, but as a whole, I extremely enjoyed the series, and I am very happy that they have announced season two. If for nothing else, the show gave us John Carpenter's Cigarette Burns, and that is enough reason to claim that the show was a success.
For any horror fan, Masters of Horror should be a compulsory viewing.
Incident on and Off a Mountain Road
Directed by Don Coscarelli
Contribution to Horror: PhantasmA slasher movie of our generation. Some random slasher (called Moonface in this movie) chasing after a (really) pretty girl, that isn’t the female victim of the 70s and 80s. No, in 2006, our female victims kick a lot of ass, even when chased after a psychotic, serial killer. What saves the movie for me is that the lead is attractive in an un-annoying way (not one of those blonde, supermodel leads that you want them to die, because its fun when pretty people die!), so you root for her, even when she is acting tough. And fortunate for her, the killer himself is pretty dull, so you don’t really root for him (unlike JASON). Usually this is a bad start to a slasher movie, because half the fun (actually all the fun) is rooting for the serial killer. But it works well enough here, so no major complaints.
Creepy dead people, a weird old man in a cabin and decent amount of blood makes this a great start.
3/5 
H.P. Lovecraft's Dreams in the Witch-House
Directed by Stuart Gordon
Contribution to Horror: Re-AnimatorStaurt Gordon and Brain Yuzno of Re-Animator contribute to this episode! FUCK. Plus, based on a short story from H.P. Lovecraft. FUCK. Movie sounds cheesy, because these are the thing it contains – a different dimension! A witch! A rat with a human face! Oooh!
I know that our generation is too cool and hip to enjoy stuff like that. This cynical generation of ours will watch something like this, and then make “clever” comments about how stupid it was, and then to top it off, probably say how hilarious it would be if it was in Mystery Theatre 3000. Plus, probably a bitch or two will complain that it’s disrespectful to witches. You know what? Fuck Wiccans! Witches are EVIL, and they want to kill BABIES.
But Gordon and Yuzno make this a great, fun, little horror that is almost charming (in an attic-full-of-baby-skeletons way). Highlights include a lead that is trying his best to resemble Jeffrey Combs (THE COMBS), an old naked woman, a wrist cutting scene that GUSHES gallons of blood, plus a gutsy ending that just makes me go, “MMM” with satisfaction!
4/5
Dance of the Dead
Directed by Tobe Hooper
Contribution to Horror: The Texas Chain Saw Massacre The previous episode gave us witches, something we have not seen for a long time. This time we get something else that brings a tear to my eyes because of nostalgia. POST- APOCALYPSE WORLD. With bike-riding, post-apocalypse, thugs! A society that has gone to the shits!
Well, sadly to say, it sounds better than it is. The idea of it makes my cock hard like a pillar of love. Unfortunately, the movie is spoiled by one thing.
The need to be cool.
Both the author and director are not contempt in make a fun movie. They are constantly trying to prove themselves to us. The story is filled with unnecessary details that with a more skillful screenwriter/director would bring color to the movie, but here it just pointless. Like a drug that you spray in your mouth, similar to a breath refresher, which almost seems like the movie is telling us, “Look what smart new things we thought of!”. Also, the subject of the movie, the Dance of the Dead act itself is a letdown and pointless, and not worthy of having a movie about it. Finally, the director is obviously trying to act hip too. He constantly does annoying tricks with the camera, the main one being where he shakes the scene like at the end of Tyler Durden’s “You are all the dancing, all singing crap of this world” speech, where scene vibrates and sound goes “bzzz”. Anyway, my power of explanation is not that good, but suffice to say, it gets annoying and distracting very fast.
1/5
Jenifer
Directed by Dario Argento
Contribution to Horror: SuspiriaLeave it to crazy Italians to give us some great, gruesome, and most importantly sickening gore. The thing about horror movie gore is that it is usually just fun and campy, rather than gruesome, especially for anyone who has watched more than a reasonable amount of horror movies. Not here.
Argento gives us a story of a deformed female which gives new life to the phrase, “cover the face, fuck the base”. The face is seriously some ugly shit, but nice body! (and don’t worry, you get to see it a lot in this episode). So, for those of you that have fetishes for deformities, then get those tissues ready, and jerk off, baby!
For the rest of us with normal fetishes (like rape), then the sex is a bit baffling, because the act might be arousing, I just can’t get past her ugly face! Talk about being shallow!
Oh, yeah, she eats cats and children.
Anyway, Jenifer leaves a bad taste in your mouth (just like having sex with me)
4/5
Chocolate
Directed by Mick Garris
Contribution to Horror: The StandAnyone who has watched the episodes so far will notice that Mick Garris is being mentioned as the brain child of this series. But who is this dashing, gentleman that is directing this episode?
Well, while I probably don’t have all the facts, I believe that Mick Garris is Stephen King’s whore. The Stephen King movies that he has directed are, Sleepwalkers, The Stand, The Shining, Quicksilver Highway, and Riding the Bullets (Desperation is still not released). There is probably something going on here between these two!
Okay, let’s go back to the episide. Chocolate is more suited for a Twilight Zone episode, rather than here. That is because it is not really scary, and I can’t even imagine how it could even be considered scary. It is not even campy scary or comedy scary or parody scary. It is a story of a man who finds he is experiencing the senses of another person throughout random times. Like if the other person is eating a chocolate, our main character can taste it.
An interesting idea that is not very unlike some of the stories Stephen King has written, so you can see his influence. And like King, he does not know how to wrap his story well, so the ending is a bit shitty.
Also, here is a trivia. In one scene, the guy is reading Stephen King’s Desperation. Oh, we get it, its Mick’s next movie! It’s such an obvious trivia, because the book is out of place.
2/5Homecoming
Directed by Joe Dante
Contribution to Horror: GremlinsI was really excited when I started watching this. Why? Because it started off with some great zombie killing! I thought, finally! Zombies!
It takes a lot of effort and skill to ruin a zombie movie for me, and I have to congratulate Joe Dante for accomplishing that. His Homecoming is terrible and he does it by taking away every good thing that exists in a zombie movie, and reduces to, well, shit.
Zombie movies have so little criteria. Just add some zombies, people getting eaten, zombies getting killed, and lots of gore. So what does Dante do? Okay, we have the zombies, but we have very little gore. And not that many people get killed. But at least the zombies get killed, right? No!
You might wonder why the zombies are not getting killed, and that is because in this awful shit-fest of a movie, the zombies are soldiers from the Iraq War, and have come back from the dead to…wait…wait.
…to vote in the election!
And they are voting democratic, because they are against the war! And, fuck, they also give speeches and protest against the war! And, shit, I can’t continue.
0/5>Deer Woman
Directed by John Landis
Contribution to Horror: An American Werewolf in LondonTime to sit back, and remove the bad taste out of our mouth after the terrible Homecoming episode with some good old horror-comedy.
The title of this episode pretty much explains the whole story. A Deer Woman is killing people, and the cops are on her trail. Even that simple plot is more fun that it sounds, because the cop is some depressed cop who has been de-promoted to animal crimes, the Deer Woman is seriously fucking gorgeous, and the minor characters are not half-bad.
First, let’s talk about gore. It’s nice to know that a director can make a silly, horror-comedy, but still put in loads of gore. When I don’t see gore in a horror movie, I feel a bit cheated, like the person directing it doesn’t really want to be in the genre. But this guy gives us tons of nice intestines and dead people.
So, he gets the gore part right. So, I am happy to say that the comedy is also on the spot. The best parts are when the cop is trying to figure out the crimes.
“Maybe she beat him to death with a deer leg”
*pause*
“What’s wrong?”
“That’s just one of those sentences that you never expect to hear.”
Also, watch out for the hilarious imaginings the cop has trying to reenact the crime.
4/5
John Carpenter's Cigarette Burns
Directed by John Carpenter
Contribution to Horror: The ThingOther than Stuart Gordon, John Carpenter is another director that I enjoy immensely, so I was looking forward to his episode. While Gordon made a movie that I enjoyed, I would not consider it as part of his better work. However, Carpenter’s Cigarette Burns is defiantly one of his best works, and it is nothing short of a classic in this series.
Cigarette Burns is not a new territory for JC, because it seems to have been borne out of his previous movie, Mouth of Madness. If you enjoyed that one, than think of this as some sort of weird sequel. Mouth of Madness was about the line of reality and fantasy fading away when it came to a book. In Cigarette Burns, it’s not a book, but a movie.
The movie in question is an obscure, French movie called, “La Fin Absolue Du Monde” (The Absolute End of the World). Rumor has it that the movie caused a riot when it was shown back in the 70s, and after that it was banned. A rich, eccentric movie collector hires Norman “Boondock Saints” Reedus (I kind of wondered where he went) to find the movie.
John Carpenter seems to be confident here, unlike some of the other directors that either wanted to recapture their previous movies’ success or try to be edgy, and is able to create a wonderful film. It is a movie that can be even more enjoyed by movie enthusiastic like me. Who aside from a lover of films would enjoy a movie that begins with the line, “Film is magic. And in the right hands…a weapon”.
A gruesome, suspenseful, and disturbing movie, Cigarette Burns is highly recommended
5/5>
Fair Haired Child
Directed by William Malone
Contribution to Horror: House on Haunted HillThe directed has an embarrassing list of movies directed compared to some of the director’s above. The terrible House on the Haunted Hill? FearDotCom? Some movie in the 80s called Creature?
So, my expectations were really low when watching this, but I have to say it had a few surprises. A young school girl is kidnapped and taken to a weird, isolated mansion. And then dumped in an attic, where she befriends a silent boy who is also stuck there. Graffiti on the walls show, “Beware of the Fair Haired Child”
It is a decent episode that can work wonders at times (the monster in the attic is extremely well done and scary), but it is unfortunately flawed because of some plot choices, especially at the end.
3/5Sick Girl
Directed by Lucky McKee
Contribution to Horror: MayYeah, it’s Lucky McKee! All the other directors were older, more experienced directors that might easily be called Masters in their field, but at the same time, they might be a bit past their peak. Lucky McKee, can not be called a Master of Horror, because he has only made one movie (well, one that matters, I’m not counting some of his obscure movies that never got any major release). May became a quick cult classic, so it would be interesting to see what Lucky would do with this episode.
Well, I have to say that it is a weird combination of genres. Take a random lesbian romantic-comedy and combine it with… David Cronenberg’s The Fly. If you are wondering how it might work, then you’d be wondering the same thing as me. It works, though, I just don’t know how.
Sick Girl can be sweet, funny, and gruesome at the same time. Angela Bettis of May is the lesbian, and Misty Mundae as the lesbianee (that word only makes sense in my head). Masters of Horror seems to have a good track of gorgeous actresses, and Misty is one of the top. If I was a lesbian, I’d hit it. Angela Bettis is a nerdy and weird, but likable. My main grip with this episode is that some of the dialogues were really terrible and cringe-worthy. Lucky McKee handles the horror part much better than the soppy, love sections.
Oh, yeah, before I forget, watch for the great bug special effect. Even repeated viewings give me a chill. Beautiful!
4/5Pick Me Up
Directed by Larry Cohen
Contribution to Horror: It’s AliveLarry Cohen is not really that big of a horror director, and you’d probably know him more as the screenwriter of Phone Booth. And that is important, because while I watched this movie that deals exclusively with horror clichés, it seems like Larry Cohen did not fully understand or love the genre.
The premise promises a lot of fun, by combining two familiar slasher villains. One is the psycho hitchhiker who kills anyone that picks him up, while the other is the psycho truck driver that kills anyone who he picks up. A few people are killed by each of these two killers, until they are made aware of the other’s existence and doings. So, a sort of competition starts between them, with both trying to get to killing (the unattractive (I’m sorry for being shallow, feminists)) Fairuza Balk.
Yeah, I know this sounds similar to Freddy Vs Jason, and I guess therein lies the problem. Larry Cohen’s premise isn’t new, nor does he have familiar, interesting villains, nor does he give us any exciting death scenes (the foundation of any slasher movie). So what does that leave? Lots of self-reference to horror clichés.
And that annoys me. Like take this scene,
A killer is running after the victim in the forest. So the killer says, “How many times we seen this? I know you saw this in Texas Chainsaw. Both fucking versions!” This might have sounded cute and clever in this screenwriting process, but that kind of writing has become lazy. Just because you recognize the cliché, does not excuse you from using it. Plus, the sad part is that referencing the clichés has become a cliché in itself. I mean, horror movies have been doing it since Scream.
Director’s like Larry Cohen seem to tell us that the slasher premise is overdone and dead, and the only thing left to do is make fun of it. It is movies like High Tension and Wolf Creek that prove that a competent director is still able to make a great slasher movie without resorting to easy way outs.
2/5
Haeckel's Tale
Directed by John McNaughton
Contribution to Horror: Henry: Portrait of a Serial KillerEven I am surprised by the contribution. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer is my favorite serial-killer movie of all time, but this guy has not done anything worthwhile after that. His directing credits show Wild Things and some TV episodes of random shows, so what should we expect from him?
Well, don’t expect much. A man looks for a necromancer to resurrect his dead wife, and the necromancer tells him a story to discourage him from his ambitions. The story begins off nicely, with an atheist scientist who is determined to resurrect the dead using science. I find stories like that fascinating, so it was a shame when it seems to move completely away from that and go into a different direction.
That is the main problem with the movie. It does not know exactly where it wants to go, starting from a Frankestanian pursuit and eventually reaches …necrophilia! Yay!
3/5Imprint
Directed by Miike Takashi
Contribution to Horror: AuditionNothing attracts the attention of horror fans more than something that is banned. Well, being the final episode in the first season of Masters of Horror, Imprint was banned from being shown.
Well, it is seriously not surprising that it was banned. Miike Takashi decides to make a money with a really long torture scene, spousal abuse, abortions, dead fetuses, incest rape, pedophilia, and just about everything else that is gross or sick. So, yes, this is a sickening movie.
But see, that’s why I do not like Takashi. A movie, whether horror or otherwise, should be a joy to watch. If you are scared, the pleasure of being scared should be there. If you are horrified, then you should be entertained at the same time. Imprint is only sickness, nothing else.
As a movie, it has a lousy story, and really, a shitty script. The American actor is painfully bad. I mean, look at his IMDB profile, the guy has been acting for shit roles for 30 years, you’d think he would learned something by now, but no. And the rest are Japs, but they spick in English. Why? Just let them speak in Japanese, and give us subtitles, because most of the time, I can’t understand what they are saying. “Prease!! Prease!”
Yes, if you want to see if you can handle it, then give it a try. For all its faults, Miike Takashi can show you things which make you feel seriously sick. I assure you, those were the worst popcorns I ever had.
Plus, this is the kind of shit you show girls to try to freak them out, so you feel extra manly.
3/5
